July 24, 2021

I used to write about love
As if I knew the experience
I used to write about sadness
Like we were best friends
I used to write about grief
Though I'd never grieved a thing
I used to write about time
When I had all the time in the world
I used to write about desire
Yet I had never wanted for much
I used to write about anxiety 
With the steadiest hand
I used to write
I was so happy then

It’s really hard for me to look back at the things I’ve written in the past. It’s pretty funny, going over how stupid it all was. Thinking about how sad I thought I was or how much I thought I lacked. The trivial things I yearned for. Most importantly, it’s incredible to notice how much subtlety I lacked. I think many writers would do almost anything else before they looked at older works.

I suppose that means it’s time to move forward. Still, as bad as it all was, there’s still lessons to be learned by revisiting it. I don’t have the heart (nor the strength) to share any of my older writing, at least not yet. Maybe one day I can find the fortitude to share it and we can all laugh together.

June 30th, 2021

I'm getting out of bed and checking my phone
I'm watching my cats run around the fire place
I'm making myself my only meal for the day 
I'm thinking of ending things

I'm texting the group chat to make plans
I'm out at dinner with my friends, we went to that Chinese place I love
I'm thinking on the platform while the train approaches
I'm thinking of ending things

I'm playing in the snow with my brother
I'm thinking of all the memories we're making
I'm thinking about how nice his smile is
I'm thinking of ending things

I'm thinking about my girlfriend
I'm thinking of how much I love her hair
I'm thinking of where our lives could go in the future
I'm thinking of ending things.