Jun 22, 2020

None of us are perfect. We all know this and yet it’s hard to remember for many people to remember, especially at the worst of times.
In my life I have made many mistakes. I have been the best friend you could have and the worst person you could know.

It’s hard to remember that we all make mistakes. I cannot grasp how everyone else manages to live with theirs.

I do not understand how people can not sit there, every moment of every day, thinking of all the mistakes they’ve made. Thinking of all the mistakes they should’ve been too smart to make. Thinking of all the mistakes they should’ve been too good to make. I suppose if we all tormented ourselves so, maybe we’d have a better world and better societies to live in. Maybe we wouldn’t, I cannot know.

People change. That’s what we’re told. We’re told that people change and evolve and grow and improve themselves over time. I find it impossible to believe that. I notice myself changing constantly, becoming stronger willed, becoming less afraid. Yet, I worry. I don’t know if I am a different person from the person whose made so many mistakes oh so long ago. I do not know if I have changed, because I cannot measure how I have, if I have. I fear that I may never change. I fear I may never stop making mistakes.

I exist as a man who does not have hope. I do not believe humanity will change, and I do not believe that people necessarily change.

I also exist as a man who is unable to come to terms with who he has been before. I cannot accept the wrongs I’ve been responsible for and I cannot accept the man who made all those mistakes.

I have no place, even in my own mind.

I have never known peace.

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