I am the only public speaker afraid of speaking in public. I have the capability, diction, vernacular, charisma, and intelligence to change hearts and minds. Yet I lack steadiness. I can speak to people one on one and understand them immediately. The signs are easy to pick up on if you know what to look for.
The speed at which they speak, the way their eyes look into yours (or don’t), their posture, their handshake, and especially the first thing they say to you.
That first sentence usually tells me everything.
I suppose that’s why I’m not good at handling groups of people. I can function in the forum, at the podium, on the stage.
It is the intimate however where I truly thrive. The forum is to me what the military industrial complex is to the sciences. I thrive and truly exist outside it. My home is the intimate. That is why i have friendships that last quite long. I suppose that’s also why I don’t have many friendships. I don’t allow myself to exist outside the intimate. I don’t think i could forsake the greatest gift human conscience has provided me. The capacity to love, to feel, to care, to empathize, to experience, and, to learn. Only in the intimate, the up close, the personal, can you really truly learn all there is. I guess this also explains why I study the sciences I do. Physics, condensed matter and quantum. By knowing the nature of the smallest particles, we can know the nature of the universe constituted of them. What more could one ask for than the intimacy afforded to one by the nature of existence?
I am in love with the intimate. I am in love with H.E.R.